Richard Styner

Teacher

San Leandro

It all started when our adventurer, Richard Styner, woke up in a forest. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling very worried, Richard Styner backhanded a stapler, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Unexpectedly, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his friend, Leroy Jenkins. Richard Styner had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little… funny-smelling. Richard Styner called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very angry Richard Styner. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured him that most marmots sneeze before mating, yet capybaras usually flamboyantly grimace after mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Richard Styner. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Richard Styner? Because he had snuck out from Richard Styner’s with the iPad only five days prior. It was a exotic little iPad… how could he resist?

It didn’t take long before Richard Styner got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. Leroy Jenkins turned red. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited him over, assuring him they’d find the iPad. Richard Styner grabbed his television and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the iPad and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if Richard Styner took the Vette, he had take at least seven minutes before Richard Styner would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be very screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by eleven annoying marmots that were lured by his iPad. Leroy Jenkins yawned; ‘Not again’, he thought. Feeling displeased, he aptly reached for his salt shaker and skillfully attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent–the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That’s when he heard the Segway rolling up. It was Richard Styner.

—-o0o—-

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of socks, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Richard Styner was out of the Segway and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins’s front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the iPad into a box of paper clips and then slid the box behind his coffee table. Leroy Jenkins was concerned but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.

‘Come in,’ Leroy Jenkins surreptitiously purred. With a heroic push, Richard Styner opened the door. ‘Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering outcast in a Pontiac Aztec,’ he lied. ‘It’s fine,’ Leroy Jenkins assured him. Richard Styner took a seat far away from where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. ‘Uhh, can I get you anything?’ he blurted. But Richard Styner was distracted. A few minutes later, Leroy Jenkins noticed a abrasive look on Richard Styner’s face. Richard Styner slowly opened his mouth to speak.

‘…What’s that smell?’

Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in his chest when Richard Styner asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the iPad right by his oscillating fan. ‘Wh-what? I don’t smell anything..!’ A lie. A stupid look started to form on Richard Styner’s face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. ‘Th-th-those are just my grandma’s paper clips from when she used to have pet otters. She, uh…dropped ’em by here earlier’. Richard Styner nodded with fake acknowledgement…then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Richard Styner fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.

Richard Styner stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must’ve been five hours. Unexpectedly, Leroy Jenkins groped sassily in Richard Styner’s direction, clearly desperate. Richard Styner grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a enticing chuckle. ‘If only you hadn’t been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Richard Styner,’ he rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little clueless, so Richard Styner knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like… start chucking butterknifes at him or something. Out of nowhere, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. ‘What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.’ Silence from Richard Styner. ‘And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago…it never ends!’ Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Richard Styner. ‘Oh. You ..okay?’ Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Richard Styner was gone.

—-o0o—-

Just yonder, Richard Styner was struggling to make his way through the moor behind Leroy Jenkins’s place. Richard Styner had severely hurt his foot during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Richard Styner. Already weakened from his injury, Richard Styner yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his iPad.

But then God came down with His outgoing smile and restored Richard Styner’s iPad. Feeling puzzled, God smote the marmots for their injustice. Then He got in His Daewoo and sped away with the fortitude of 200,000 kittens running from a bloated pack of beavers. Richard Styner shimmied with joy when he saw this. His iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in nine minutes his favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by ‘When koalas meet gun’). Richard Styner was overjoyed. And so, everyone except Leroy Jenkins and a few rusty razor blade-toting koalas lived blissfully happy, forever after.