Predatory Ghost
A Screenplay by RStyner
INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES – AFTERNOON

Richard Styner

Teacher

San Leandro

Lovable cleaner DR RICHARD STYNER is arguing with splendid swordsman MR ROB ROCKATANSKY. RICHARD tries to hug ROB but he shakes him off.

RICHARD
Please Rob, don’t leave me.
ROB
I’m sorry Richard, but I’m looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
RICHARD
I am such a person!
ROB frowns.

ROB
I’m sorry, Richard. I just don’t feel excited by this relationship anymore.
ROB leaves.

RICHARD sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, helpful detective LADY STANLEY GIANTBULB barges in looking flustered.

RICHARD
Goodness, Stanley! Is everything okay?
STANLEY
I’m afraid not.
RICHARD
What is it? Don’t keep me in suspense…
STANLEY
It’s … a ghost … I saw an evil ghost vandalise a bunch of swimmers!
RICHARD
Defenseless swimmers?
STANLEY
Yes, defenseless swimmers!
RICHARD
Bloomin’ heck, Stanley! We’ve got to do something.
STANLEY
I agree, but I wouldn’t know where to start.
RICHARD
You can start by telling me where this happened.
STANLEY
I was…
STANLEY fans herself and begins to wheeze.

RICHARD
Focus Stanley, focus! Where did it happen?
STANLEY
Hamstead Heath, London! That’s right – Hamstead Heath, London!
RICHARD springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD – CONTINUOUS

RICHARD rushes along the street, followed by STANLEY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH, LONDON – SHORTLY AFTER

JOHN SUPERHALK a predatory ghost terrorises two swimmers.

RICHARD, closely followed by STANLEY, rushes towards JOHN, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

STANLEY
What is is? What’s the matter?
RICHARD
That’s not just any old ghost, that’s John Superhalk!
STANLEY
Who’s John Superhalk?
RICHARD
Who’s John Superhalk? Who’s John Superhalk? Only the most predatory ghost in the universe!
STANLEY
Blinkin’ knickers, Richard! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most predatory ghost in the universe!
RICHARD
You can say that again.
STANLEY
Blinkin’ knickers, Richard! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most predatory ghost in the universe!
RICHARD
I’m going to need razors, lots of razors.
John turns and sees Richard and Stanley. He grins an evil grin.

JOHN
Richard Styner, we meet again.
STANLEY
You’ve met?
RICHARD
Yes. It was a long, long time ago…

EXT. A PARK – BACK IN TIME Richard Styner

A young RICHARD is sitting in a park listening to some classical music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees JOHN. He takes off his headphones.

JOHN
Would you like some toffees?
RICHARD’s eyes light up, but then he studies JOHN more closely, and looks uneasy.

RICHARD
I don’t know, you look kind of predatory.
JOHN
Me? No. I’m not predatory. I’m the least predatory ghost in the world.
RICHARD
Wait, you’re a ghost?
RICHARD runs away, screaming.

INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH, LONDON – PRESENT DAY

JOHN
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
STANLEY
(To RICHARD) You ran away?
RICHARD
(To STANLEY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
RICHARD turns to JOHN.

RICHARD
I may have run away from you then, but I won’t run away this time!
RICHARD runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

RICHARD
I mean, I am running away, but I’ll be back – with razors.
JOHN
I’m not scared of you.
RICHARD
You should be.

INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH, LONDON – LATER THAT DAY

RICHARD and STANLEY walk around searching for something.

RICHARD
I feel sure I left my razors somewhere around here.
STANLEY
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly razors.
RICHARD
You know nothing Stanley Giantbulb.
STANLEY
We’ve been searching for ages. I really don’t think they’re here.
Suddenly, JOHN appears, holding a pair of razors.

JOHN
Looking for something?
STANLEY
Crikey, Richard, he’s got your razors.
RICHARD
Tell me something I don’t already know!
STANLEY
The earth’s circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
RICHARD
I know that already!
STANLEY
I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.
JOHN
(appalled) Dude!
While JOHN is looking at STANLEY with disgust, RICHARD lunges forward and grabs his deadly razors. He wields them, triumphantly.

RICHARD
Prepare to die, you predatory turnip!
JOHN
No please! All I did was vandalise a bunch of swimmers!
ROB enters, unseen by any of the others.

RICHARD
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender – and that’s me! Richard Styner defender of innocent swimmers.
JOHN
Don’t hurt me! Please!
RICHARD
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use these razors on you right away!
JOHN
Because Richard, I am your father.
RICHARD looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

RICHARD
No you’re not!
JOHN
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
JOHN tries to grab the razors but RICHARD dodges out of the way.

RICHARD
Who’s the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, JOHN slumps to the ground.

STANLEY
Did he just faint?
RICHARD
I think so. Well that’s disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly razors.
RICHARD crouches over JOHN’s body.

STANLEY
Be careful, Richard. It could be a trick.
RICHARD
No, it’s not a trick. It appears that… It would seem… John Superhalk is dead!
RICHARD
What?
RICHARD
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
STANLEY claps her hands.

STANLEY
So your razors did save the day, after all.
ROB steps forward.

ROB
Is it true? Did you kill the predatory ghost?
RICHARD
Rob how long have you been…?
ROB puts his arm around RICHARD.

ROB
Long enough.
RICHARD
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed John Superhalk.
ROB
Then the swimmers are safe?
RICHARD
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable swimmers enter, looking relived.

ROB
You are their hero.
The swimmers bow to RICHARD.

RICHARD
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that John Superhalk will never vandalise swimmers ever again, is enough for me.
ROB
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the swimmers passes RICHARD a tinkling talisman

ROB
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
RICHARD
I couldn’t possibly.
Pause.

RICHARD
Well, if you insist.
RICHARD takes the talisman.

RICHARD
Thank you.
The swimmers bow their heads once more, and leave.

RICHARD turns to ROB.

RICHARD
Does this mean you want me back?
ROB
Oh, Richard, of course I want you back!
RICHARD smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

RICHARD
Well you can’t have me.
ROB
WHAT?
RICHARD
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a ghost to death before you would believe in me. I don’t want a lover like that.
ROB
But…
RICHARD
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin – my best friend, Stanley.
STANLEY grins.

ROB
But…
STANLEY
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
ROB
Richard?
RICHARD
I’m sorry Rob, but I think you should skidaddle.
ROB leaves.

STANLEY turns to RICHARD.

STANLEY
Did you mean that? You know … that I’m your best friend?
RICHARD
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly STANLEY stops.

STANLEY
When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to distract the ghost don’t you?